Today we have a post from Miranda, who brings up something that hadn’t exactly occurred to me before and articulates it so well: that can add caretaker of relationships and the social sphere to the list of the many things women are expected to be. — RW
Women are generally expected to support the people around them in many ways. We are supposed to be tender, loving and caring. Taking care of people is supposed to come naturally for women and people do not take it lightly when women reject or simply do not fit into this role. (Seriously, you should see the reactions I get when I tell people that I don’t want to have children.) And since women are (supposedly) born caretakers, naturally. women are expected to support those around them physically and emotionally. But recently, I’ve become more aware of the expectation for women to support others socially too.
Women, especially women in heterosexual relationships, are expected to not just take care of people, but to take care of relationships. They are expected to make plans for holidays, to send out holiday/birthday/sympathy/whatever-else cards, to make plans for the couple to meet up with friends. People around my fiancé Kyle and me ask me what we are doing for the weekend or for the holidays, not Kyle. Although Kyle and I rarely make plans for us without discussing it with the other, people outside of our relationship see our roles differently that we do. I am expected to know what is going on in our social life and Kyle isn’t. This upsets me both because women are given this huge burden and because men are belittled in the process. People act like men aren’t capable enough to keep track of a social calendar or know what’s going on in their own lives. And even if women aren’t expected to do all the chores ourselves, we are still expected to know what needs to be done around the house, to keep track of errands that need to be taken care of, and to assign tasks and chores appropriately. As if men don’t know that the holidays are coming and that someone needs to make travel arrangements.
Women are even expected to take care of people outside of their families. We are expected to take care of all of the people around us, including at work. If someone in the workplace is sick or in the hospital, a woman is usually the one who is collecting money to send them flowers or making sure that everyone has signed the get-well card. Women are expected to take care of pretty much everyone they come into contact with or have a relationship with.
I think the media really perpetuates this idea (look at Phil and Claire’s relationship in Modern Family), where the man just can’t handle being a full adult and needs his wife to be a mother figure rather than a partner. It’s insulting that husbands are seen as extra children. Sometimes in TV men are shown as simply being too busy to worry about relationships. Men aren’t expected to take care of relationships because they have more “important” things to do. Taking care of social calendars and relationships and events are considered a woman’s sphere, and I don’t think it’s an accident that those things are also seen as trivial. In either case, men just aren’t expected to know anything about their relationships or social life. It’s not even something that people question, it’s just a given.
I’ve really started to notice this since I’ve started planning my wedding. From the moment my fiancé, Kyle, and I started announcing that we were engaged, I have been bombarded with questions. Have you set a date? Are you having it in your hometown or his? Who will be your bridesmaids? Have you looked at dresses? And on and on it goes. I thought this was pretty normal — weddings are exciting and although I’ve never been super into weddings (I had never really thought about my own wedding until I got engaged), I can understand that other people are. It does tend to stress me out a little though, because I have no idea where to even start with planning a wedding. I asked Kyle if he was feeling the same kind of stress and he told me that people didn’t interrogate him the same way they did me. And it hit me that because I am seen as the caretaker in the relationship, I am expected to know these details and Kyle isn’t.
When it comes to wedding planning, I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. I haven’t been to many weddings and I haven’t dreamed of my own since I was a kid. I am starting from scratch and so is Kyle. But Kyle is expected to be starting from scratch, while I am expected to already know this stuff. I think that people kind of brush it off because weddings are “girlie” and men just don’t “need” to know about them, but I really think it all comes down to women being expected to be caretakers of relationships, and, naturally, the keeper of the datebook, the wedding binder, and the list of all the relatives’ allergies and quirks. I am expected to know and care about the tiniest details, while people are just thrilled when Kyle knows anything about the wedding — he gets praised for even knowing that we’ve set a date or picked a venue. Honestly, I know more about how to fix a garbage disposal than I do about how to plan a wedding, but I am the one who is expected to learn. And if our wedding fails to impress people or something goes wrong, it will be on me. Because not only do women get all the responsibility of taking care of relationships and the social sphere, we also get all the blame when these aspects of life don’t meet others’ expectations.
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Miranda was born in a town too tiny to name in Texas 23 years ago. She moved to Arizona before she was 4 and she’s lived there ever since. She went to Northern Arizona University and graduated last spring with a degree in awesomeness/communication studies. She now lives near Phoenix, AZ with her fiance and two very cool cats Benjamin Linus and Hobbes. They are more than slightly obsessed with television. You can read about her adventures at What You Like, Not What You Are Like, the blog she very recently started.
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This is such a phenomenal post!!! This topic is incredibly close to my heart, especially right now as I just {yesterday!} made a new goal to put myself first and STOP taking care of everyone else and forget about myself.
You’re so right about the perception & anticipation that women will take care of EVERYTHING – It’s so prevent that it’s almost a requirement this day in age. Not only do I keep the calendar & make the plans, I make reservations, place online orders, book vacations, keep in touch w/ mutual friends… AND I keep the {long distance} relationship going by putting in the necessary effort. All of which is utterly onesided.
Thank you for voicing what’s been running around my head! {Stomping around angrily really…}
Caity @ Moi Contre La Vie recently posted..Looks of the Week – Outwear Edition
I see where you’re coming from, Miranda, but I also have to disagree with you.
I think one of the best things about being in a committed relationship is that you’re part of a team that gets to create its own rules.
It may be near impossible to shift the way media/the world thinks, but you can slowly alter the expectations of your friends and family and the expectations you think are cast upon you as a soon-to-be wife.
Your family/friends that know you well will respect and except the rules of your relationship.
I understand where you are coming from, but I think it’s a little more complicated! I am a planner, so it makes sense for me to know about the social calendar and what needs to be done around the house. But my fiance knows these things too! He is also a planner but doesn’t get asked about things because he is a man. He isn’t expected to know them and I am. When it comes to wedding planning, I am expected to know everything and I don’t just get asked about it by family and friends. Everyone thinks that weddings are public property and that it’s their business to know things and that I should have all the answers.
Excellent post! I do keep the calendar for my boyfriend and me, but I’ve always just chalked it up to the fact that my short term memory is awful. If I don’t write it down/ schedule it, I’m most likely going to forget I’ve agreed to it whereas he actually remembers the plans he made two days ago. I do wonder now what would happen if I turned the reigns over to him though…knowing I can’t remember crap, would he schedule things in our collective Google calendar or just not bother…I might need to test this theory…
I will say though that my boyfriend makes most of our social plans – and then relays them to my to put in the aformentioned calendar. Most of my self-esteem issues are related to not valuing myself as a friend/ seeing myself as a burden to others so if making plans was left up to me, we would probably never leave the house.
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Hi Stina,
I completely know that feeling. I have struggled with depression and often feel like I will bring down a group when I am there. I am working to let go of this worry and not put pressure on myself be “something or someone” when I am with my friends. You are inherently a beautiful soul and all the wonderful aspects of your friends and loved ones are reflected back inside you.
This post really resonates with me. I have been with my husband for 7 years (married for 2), and we fit into these roles to a T. I don’t necessarily think, however, that society has forced us into this roles. I think that part of it is my Type A personality (this is what everyone chalks it up to be – our friends/family have always joked about how Type A I am, and how my husband and I “balance eachother out”), but another part of it is that he’s not as much of a go-getter as I am. I’ve tried numerous times to get him to take initiative with social plans, keeping up with our calendar, paying bills, etc and ultimately the responsibility falls to me or it won’t ever get done. (However, if I write out a “to-do” list for him or ask him specifically to do certain things, he will – he just won’t keep track of anything on his own.) It puts a lot of pressure on me, but I’ve realized over the course of our marriage (so far) that it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for the sake of our marriage. But you know what? Sometimes I want to be the one being taken care of. I certainly haven’t solved this one yet…I’m all ears if anyone has suggestions!
I guess it feels to me like societal expectations are churning out a lot of Type A women. We get good at doing these things because we are expected to be good at these things and, well, it feels good to be good at the thing everyone tells you to be good at. For example, everyone at work (all men) always asks me (the only woman in the office) about calendar-related things (when meetings are, when deadlines are, etc). Now, you could say it’s because I always know the answer or that I’m good at this…but I’ve been wondering lately if I only know the answer because I know I’m going to be asked and therefore to be seen as a competent person, I make sure I know the answer. Not sure if that makes sense, but basically, I’m not sure that I (or a lot of women) are naturally/biologically inclined to know all these things or to be Type A; I’m definitely beginning to wonder if we’ve gotten that way because that’s just what’s expected of us or that’s how to be winning at life when you’re a woman.
In terms of the “responsibility falls on me or it won’t ever get done” thing…I have a lot of thoughts on this. I don’t know if you’ve read my post on learned incompetence, but basically, I don’t do things for Eric just because he can’t (i.e. won’t) get better at doing them. Here’s the post if you haven’t read it: http://www.rachelwilkerson.com/2012/01/09/un-learning-learned-incompetence/ I just don’t want to get into a position where I’m in charge of everything because I was raised to be good at those things simply because I’m a woman. Yeah, it means some things don’t get done but I don’t blame myself for it if it wasn’t my responsibility…I don’t know, whether it’s at work or at home, it’s just not my job to be in charge of reminding everyone else to do their shit, you know?
“I guess it feels to me like societal expectations are churning out a lot of Type A women.” THIS. I never thought about why before, but I’m seeing women bragging about their Type A-ness everywhere these days and I think you may have a good point Rachel about it being a new survival thing. As a not-really-Type-A-person, it kinda makes me want to write a post called “It’s OK to not be Type A!”
Pleeeease write that post (and run it here maybe?!). I’ve been thinking about the fact that I’m not sure I’m Type A anymore (I think I’m slipping to at least A- or B+…I blame yoga and getting older) but then I feel kind of embarrassed because I think people expect women to be Type A and I’m not sure I’m ready to let it go yet.
I had never thought about it that way either! However, I was in fact born Type A. One of my mother’s favorite stories to tell is that that as a 3-year-old, I was planning our day’s events down to the time and order in which we would do them. She was only allowed to drive certain ways to get to certain places or I would throw a fit in the backseat. So for me, I know that I’ve always been this way, but I think what you’re saying could certainly be true for many women out there (and this could’ve made me even more Type A than I would’ve been). I’ll definitely check out the post you linked to…thanks!!
You totally should write that post! Women are expected to live up to other people’s expectations in all areas of their life and I think that forces women to be Type A because how else can you get all that shit done?!
Miranda recently posted..TV: Pretty Little Liars
I’m pretty sure you just solved the puzzle of why I am the world’s most oranized person at work, but my house/ my personal life could more accurately be described as semi-organized chaos.
I’ve never considered myself to be Type-A at all, but you’d never guess it looking at my desk at work – to-do lists, post-its notes neatly organized, clearly labeled stacks of files, spreadsheets. Everything has a place and everything is in it’s place. I know part of it is the nature of my job because we need to be able to pick up where the other left off, but the men on my team aren’t nearly as…extreme…in their organizational efforts as I am, and you know what, the team functions just fine. I wonder if I subconsciously fear that I’m somehow letting them down if I’m not the most organized person on the team?
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I know that at an internship I had, a guy had his desk super neat and organized and was teased relentlessly for it! Maybe a bit of a double standard? Women in particular gave him a hard time about it.
I don’t get this. The only time that my co-workers have expected me to answer basic questions about deadlines, meetings, etc. was when I was the Project Manager and coordinated the timeline. Are your co-workers to lazy to pull up their google calendars and look up when that meeting with Client A is scheduled?
So, I had a longer reply to this written but I realized I don’t want to get into work specifics on the Internet, so I guess I’ll just say yeah…trust me when I say that this is definitely A Thing. And while a calendar is definitely the solution, I’m not sure everyone else really sees this as a problem.
Okay, I understand you don’t want to get into specifics, but what happens when you’re not in the office? What happens when you go on a long vacation or suddenly fall ill? Do your co-workers make you write down all the deadlines before you go on vacation? Do they call you when you’re home with the flu and ask you if it’s a good idea to have a meeting next Monday morning, or is that going to conflict with something that’s already been scheduled?
I’ll email you. :)
I am a little torn here. I, too, have been subject to the role of relationship-caretaker in previous relationships – especially, like Caity mentioned, in long-distance relationships, where the emphasis is on smaller gestures, careful planning and phone conversations to move the relationship forward. ((No surprise, the situation made me livid too.))
However, when I look to the couples who literally surround me (I’m the eleventh wheel to my coupled-up best friends / step-siblings, parents, etc), i see a lot of great examples of enthusiastic and independent men who are just as involved and scheduled. I would agree with Dana that this is a standard your friends and family can come to accept if you both take ownership of the roles. If your friends and family have an independent relationship with your fiance, then they should know his interests and want him to speak for himself without you doing it for you both.
“If your friends and family have an independent relationship with your fiance, then they should know his interests and want him to speak for himself without you doing it for you both.” I think this is so true, but this is where we get into like…if the he doesn’t respond quickly to his family or friends reaching out, or if he doesn’t know the answer or have the plans, then they are naturally going to begin coming to you. (I think this is why I experience this so much at work.) So I definitely think the partner has to recognize why this is a burden and be committed to helping to lift it!
In terms of family, my husband knows that he is the contact for his family and I am the contact for mine. If he doesn’t answer or respond, and they reach out to me, I am polite but when they call me I always say, “We will talk about it and HE will get back to you.” If we miss something, I will say “(Insert husbands name here) did not tell me about that” or ” You will have to discuss that with him”. I don’t throw him under the bus, but I make it clear that those plans were his responsibility and if they have a problem with our response, to take it up with their brother/son/grandson etc.
Ooh I really like that approach. Thus far it has not been an issue for me but I’m tucking this one away just in case.
Thank you so much for posting this. I have so many feelings about this topic. I have read this while sitting at my office desk and have been trying not to yell “YES!!!” out loud.
I think you are right on when you (Rachel) state, “I guess it feels to me like societal expectations are churning out a lot of Type A women.” This is so true! I find that this real life expectation becomes even more magnified in blogging culture in which many women exhibit this Type-A-ness. It’s interesting how much time is spent on blogs and Pinterest writing about or pinning photos that will help us get more organized, have a cleaner home, be nicer, be more fit, be a better cook/hostess/friend/mother/daughter. I don’t see any men talking about any of this. Ever.
It would be awesome to say we are going to change the way the system works. But how do we truly do that? Women can be so competitive and to give up some of the most easy to identify typical Type-A woman traits (always being over-prepared, obsessively organized, etc.) would be interesting. How do we change ourselves? If we are not competing with each other, what becomes of our relationships with other women? How do we accept our own selves if we are not seeking that gold sticker pride that always comes with being the dependable Type-A person? And what of our relationships with men? This is not pertaining to just romantic relationships but to family relationships as well.
I suppose the saying that you teach other people how to treat you comes into play with this. But it is so much bigger than that. Arg!
Loved this post and would love to see more like it!
“It’s interesting how much time is spent on blogs and Pinterest writing about or pinning photos that will help us get more organized, have a cleaner home, be nicer, be more fit, be a better cook/hostess/friend/mother/daughter.” Gahhhh, I have SO MANY THOUGHTS ON THIS.
PS I have tons of thoughts on all of what you said actually, but can’t write a ton now, so I will respond more later!
And what about the backlash where bloggers are coming out with posts detailing all the things they DON’T want to do? How they want to take it slow? Do less? Focus on minimalism?
I feel like I read those posts with a mix of admiration and annoyance–it makes me feel guilty for all of the things I do. But it really feels like for as many Type A bloggers/web personalities I see there is the opposite–like Tim Ferris vs. Leo Babuta from Zen Habits.
Just a thought.
Ooh can you share more about this — what those kinds of posts look like and what kind of response they get? Particularly curious if there are any women bloggers who have talked about doing less and gotten a backlash.
This is kind of off-topic, but it is an essay that has helped me overcome some of the stress us Type-A’ers put on ourselves. http://www.shaunaniequist.com/storage/media/thingsidon%27tdo_chapter.pdf Enjoy!!
Thanks for the link Amanda! Very powerful read.
This post hit home. I’ve felt completely lost when it comes to wedding planning because it was just something I never really thought about, nor have I ever dreamed about my wedding. To be honest, I felt like maybe something was wrong with me for having NO clue how to go about any of it. So, it makes me feel better that I’m not the only one.
Such an interesting post. Thanks!
I’m so glad I’m not the only one! It’s a lot of pressure and kind of unfair that women are already supposed to have their weddings planned before they actually need to and then put it into action once they get engaged!
I just got married, so I’ve got some advice/personal comments in regards to the wedding planning.
Yes, planning a wedding is difficult. BUT, it isn’t as difficult as the bridal magazine checklist will make it seem. Why? Because absolutely everything is optional. I also did not start planning my wedding until I got engaged. And I decided that I didn’t care about “expectations” and just planned the wedding I wanted. Of course, I’ve been to 8 weddings in the last 2 years (not counting my own), so I knew what I didn’t like. Basically, if something didn’t sound like fun to plan, then I got rid of it. Or I let my husband or my mother or someone else plan it.
Unless your family, friends and coworkers are judgmental and harsh, they will love your wedding no matter what you do because they love both of you. Heck if they don’t, they won’t tell you! You’ll be the bride and it will be a day where every single person will be beyond excited to talk with you and hug you and compliment you (your groom too). It will be a whirlwind event (it is a blur in my head and mine was just weeks ago). So don’t stress about details. You won’t even remember them (correction: you will remember *planning* the small things) and your guests certainly won’t (I know I don’t for all the weddings I’ve attended).
“And I decided that I didn’t care about ‘expectations’ and just planned the wedding I wanted.” Question: how did this fit in with what your husband wanted or what your family and/or future in-laws wanted?
Rachel, can you or someone else speak to the way in which family/in-laws plays into wedding planning? I too worry about their opinions but at the same time I’d like to try Dana’s approach where it truly is about what she and her fiance want.
I met a girl recently who detailed how her mother was completely controlling her wedding and her fiance tried to protest and she wouldn’t even discuss confronting her mom. THAT is my nightmare.
So just curious.
That is honestly my nightmare too! And I have been so incredibly lucky thus far (and expect for things to remain that way) because neither my family nor Eric’s has expressed any strong interest in what we need to do. That said, Eric and I both bring our own expectations and what we think our families want into this, so we’ve definitely had it out over some things.
Here’s what I think: I think that quite often, a wedding is stressful because it’s not about the wedding; it’s about the changing relationship with your family of origin and defining yourself as this new family unit. The book Emotionally Engaged is so good at breaking this down and it really helped me see that the things people tend to get worked about when wedding planning are really about bigger stuff: class aspirations, loyalty, independence, and this huge shift in our families’ influence over us. It’s your first real opportunity to decide how it works when you and your partner disagree with one or both of your families and I feel like it really sets the tone for how things are going to be. So, personally, I feel like figuring out when to compromise and when to stand firm is a huge challenge but one worth taking on, even though it can make wedding planning a bitch.
Also, I personally do not feel like a wedding is “my day” or even “our day.” Weddings are about families and I am not comfortable with the idea of just cutting our families out of the planning process, because it’s their day in a lot of ways. (A Practical Wedding has some awesome posts on how our parents have social pressure to deal with too when it comes to our weddings.) Again, I feel like figuring out when to give and when to stand firm is the challenge, and I think each couple should figure out their non-negotiables privately ahead of time so they know what they really care to fight for, but ultimately, I feel like we should honor our families as much as we can with our weddings. Unfortunately, that can be really exhausting, but hey, I’d rather set boundaries now than, say, when they have an opinion on how we’re planning on raising our grandchildren, you know?
My father-in-law actually told me at one point that our wedding didn’t have to be a huge event. Of course, he comes from the generation in which a wedding was followed by just cake and punch. My mother had the same attitude.
Since my mother was providing 90% of the funds for the wedding, she was the only one who made any influence on the event besides me and my husband. And the only thing she affected was just the guest list. My in-laws didn’t insist on anything and if they had, my husband would have talked to them about how they weren’t providing the money.
All my husband cared about was an open bar. And I found a great place that allowed us to have an open bar at a low cost (liquor included!).
And in response to another comment you make, the wedding was *OUR* day. It did have a lot to do with our families of course, but it was still all about US. About me joining his family and him joining mine.
I really like how this post specifies being in a heterosexual relationship. As someone in a same-sex relation and who works in a woman-dominated workplace (with very strict requirements about scheduling and tasks), a lot of this applies to be anyway. I attribute this to the fact that my partner, while brilliant and wonderful, has terrible ADHD. She has FINALLY got a smart phone and we FINALLY have access to each other’s calendars. However, I’m (jokingly) the cruise director because I’m more organized about planning and keeping track of events. That said, our friends approach both of us equally to plan social events. She defers to me and we both plan events in total communication with each other. It never occurred to me that I might receive more of the invitations directly if I were the only woman in the relationship.
I agree that our culture is churning out a bunch of very organized and efficient women. I dislike the term “type A” because there are a lot of negative connations with that term and it has a very specific meaning for me. However, there is an expectation that a woman’s domain is social life (keeping a home, entertaining, planning events) and if she is also in a professional domain that just adds to an expectation of total competancy, whereas for men where the expectation to be involved in social life is optional, the default is that professional life is the primary expectation. And, in many workplaces, men don’t have to prove themselves to be both competent in the profession generally and then competent for a man…
Miranda, this is such a timely topic for me. I feel like I’m responsible for SO much in my relationship and I think part of that is due to our cultural narrative and part of that is compounded by my boyfriend. He grew up in an environment that definitely preached THIS as you put it:
“where the man just can’t handle being a full adult and needs his wife to be a mother figure rather than a partner. It’s insulting that husbands are seen as extra children.”
Seriously. His dad, uncle, and grandfather (immediate family) are seen as having very specific roles and their wives see them as the extra child. I see it play out at every social interaction! It drives me crazy. I grew up with two parents who divided household work and child rearing responsibilities and to my unknowing eye it looked pretty simple.
And while I love my boyfriend he did not grow up very independent from his parents and lived at home on and off until he was 24. So while he learned how to sew, bought his own car twice, and lived alone in the woods for a time–he didn’t craft some of those other skills, like booking flights online or keeping any sort of a calendar that are kinda second nature to me.
So I definitely hear you and I appreciate your post! Just had to ramble a bit because I am very firm about not becoming my boyfriend’s secretary. Living 1500 miles away from his family really helps.
I was having this same conversation about social planning and gender roles the other day, but in the work/school environment. In my and in my husbands schools, women rule the organizations. The clubs, honor societies, committees and conferences are all most all headed by boards of women. This is such an interesting change, since it was not long ago that the fields we are in, History and Law, were dominated by men.
I wonder how our generation of female and male professionals will be effected by this and why it is occurring. I have had different thoughts… if it was because women felt included (either naturally or because their were expected to be) more social, or if they were “nurturing” the departments they were in, trying to make them better, or if it was because these are “social” events that are seen as women’s roles. I have not yet made up my mind, on the cause, but the effect is that women have more on their plate at work/school than men.
I also wonder how in a few years how it will look when women have all the leadership roles on their resume and the men have very few. I am hopeful that this will be seen as a positive, but I also worry that these very time consuming and difficult tasks will lose credibility because they are seen as “women’s roles”.
Great post! My husband totally takes advantage of this when it comes to making plans (although I’m sure it’s not intentional–he just doesn’t get it). I’ve never put it all together like this, either, but I totally agree with you, Miranda,