Today we have a post from my friend Dallas about fashion, style, and happiness at any size. I like her attitude very much and I think you will too. – RW
I have beef with “The Biggest Loser.” We’ve all seen crying fat people with no friends, no boyfriends, never been loved, never been able to chase their dreams…it’s what I call The Biggest Loser Syndrome (TBLS). The only thing that will fix this, they posit, is going on The Biggest Loser and losing hundreds of pounds. They can’t live the life they want until they’re thin. I cry shenanigans.
One of the most consistent ways I see TBLS play out, especially for women, is thinking they can’t dress the way they want to until they’ve lost 100/50/20/five pounds. That once they reach their goal weight, that’s when they can start being the person they want to be. I see friends pinning outfits on Pinterest with captions like “when I get skinny….”
Look, sisters: you do you. If you want to wait until you’re a certain size to wear that dress you’re dying over, feel free. If you think you have to lose another ten pounds before you can wear that sweater, alright. I just disagree.
For a long time, I’d fallen into a trap. You might call it a mild case of TBLS. “I just feel like I can’t wear what I want to, it doesn’t look as good at my size,” I whined to Rachel. I like classic lines, the all-american, slouchy, “Oh, I just got out of bed to go to the farmers market in Nantucket but I’m still polished and wearing pearl earrings” look. That doesn’t work for a fat girl! She shrugged (metaphorically, we were on the phone, so I can’t be sure) and said, “Yeah, but it’ll still look awesome and you’ll feel great.”
And damn if she wasn’t right. I’m fat. I’m a size 20/22. I love colors, polka dots, and gasp, horizontal stripes. I wear ankle pants and dresses that aren’t A-line and all sorts of things that people at my weight just “shouldn’t,” according to… well, Them. We all know Them — fashion magazines, bitchy girls from middle school, your grandma Estelle. Them. Screw ‘em. You’re awesome. You can wear whatever you want to. Is it going to look exactly like it looks in the magazine? Probably not. Can you still look amazing? Definitely.
And it’s okay to want to lose weight. Earlier in the week on my blog, I posted about the apparent paradox of loving one’s body and also wanting one’s body to be smaller. I wrote, “I’m strong and I take up space and I refuse to apologize for that.” I asserted that I can be both fat and valuable, contrary to the memos that the media and society seem to release on a regular basis. (Side eye to you, “The Biggest Loser.”) So yes, I want to be smaller in the future (come to me, my J.Crew precious), but I also want to feel great now. And that means wearing the things I want to wear, up to and including the shocking horizontal stripes. I mean, let’s be real: no amount of black is going to make me look like I’m 120 pounds. Might as well have some fun with it. Sometimes it means wearing bright lipstick and a brighter sweater. Other times it means throwing on yoga pants and going to yoga. Not because I think my life will only be valid once I’m thin. I may never be thin. But I am awesome.
Life is way too short to be miserable. It’s way too short to keep waiting until a certain moment arrives for you to start living it. You do you, friend. Life, fashion, feeling great…these aren’t things that are only there once you lose that last 100 or 5 pounds. Rachel picks a verb every year but this year I picked a phrase: “do the damn thing.” You can pin and tumblr and tweet and wait for the right conditions to come along, or you can go do the damn thing — in style.
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Dallas Thompson is a 20-something Southern belle with a not-so-traditional outlook on life. She writes, volunteers, reads, and discusses her way through life. Her secret dream is to be a stylist like Stacy London on “What Not to Wear,” but she’ll settle for being Michelle Obama’s BFF. She blogs over at Pearl Clutching and would love if you’d stop by.
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I like your phrase. I have been working on the dressing myself thing this year, and I will say this with the caveat: I am not overweight, but am shy about my body. the best look for me, IMO, is the 60s pin-up esque style, but I live in jeans and slouchy shirts most of the time. This year I am trying to change that, one thrift store at a time.
FTR, I think you look fab, and I envy you your awesome sweater.
deva by definition recently posted..What’s in a name?
YES! The key is doing what you feel good doing, overweight or not. If jeans and slouchy shirts are your jam, that’s awesome, but if they aren’t, that’s fine too! Thrift stores and making a slow change are both great tactics — if you go out and buy a whole new wardrobe, chances are, you’ll get super overwhelmed and default to slouchy tees again.
Dallas recently posted..Doing the damn Fashion thing….
I have TOTALLY done that before, too. I went out, and bought like, ALL THE THINGS and then I got home, and ALL THE THINGS just kind of sat there until I got the courage to start mixing them into what is comfy and familiar. I’m getting so better at it, though, but I still love my jeans and my tennies.
I do want to wear my wedding shoes all the time, though. That’s not bad – they’re bright bright red.
deva by definition recently posted..What’s in a name?
The trick I’ve learned to is to figure out what’s genuine discomfort: “I do not like this” vs “This is a little outside my usual and I need to push through”. Red wedding shoes should be worn a gazillion times, I think.
Dallas recently posted..Doing the damn Fashion thing….
I want to like this comment so much. And yes, the red wedding shoes are worn a lot. Probably more AFTER the wedding. Still breaking them in!
deva at deva by definition recently posted..What’s in a name?
Great post! Maybe we can discuss over a meal? :)
I wish I had your sense of style! I still have not found my “style” yet and end up looking high school aged (which I am not) or slobby (since I have some ill-fitting clothes) most of the time.
And I also love love love your attitude. It frustrates me to no end when my friends say things like that!: “Maybe when I’m skinnier/reach my goal weight I will try and take that vacation/wear that/live life.” One particular friend went so far to counter my compliment on her outfit (which was a dress) with “No, I look like a pig in a dress.” I was so mad at her! I hate it when women say such negative things about themselves.
It’s so great to know that women with your attitude are out there because it’s sadly so rare – not even just in media but around me.
Of course it’s not easy loving oneself all the time – but I think we owe it to ourselves and our often-too-short-lives to try.
Yes, times ten thousand. I try to have a lot of compassion with folks who feel that way because it’s so painful for them. I don’t really know how I avoided all the body-hate…. I’m just not interested in making myself feel shitty over pretty much anything.
Lesley Kinzel is a blogger (@52stations on twitter) who challenged my thinking a lot on weight a few years back. She was writing about some weight loss commercial where the woman said, “And now I can go to Paris!” and Lesley’s response was “YOU CAN GO TO PARIS NOW”. And that was a genuine moment where my thinking shifted.
Dallas recently posted..Doing the damn Fashion thing….
YES. You do you girl. I have the same lamb sweater! I’m saw it at Old Navy, loved it, briefly thought “I’m 35…is this too twee?” But then said “WHO CARES!” Love your style!
I think, that by feeling great now and dressing in what you like, regardless of what those a$$holes say about how people should dress, you’ll start to have an even better relationship with your health. I’ve FINALLY stopped thinking “I need to work out to lose weight…” and now think “I need to workout so I feel like a bad-ass strong mo-fo when carrying my groceries up three flights of stairs.”
..and by “lamb sweater” I mean “sheep sweater.” Haha! Sorry, was thinking too fast!
I think it makes working out less about being thin and more about being healthy and then you can not feel crappy when you don’t have the biggest loser type weight loss but you do have other things about your health that improve. (Holy run-on sentence, batman.) Right on, and I love that damn sweater. I call it the sweater of triumph because I initially declined to buy it, regretted it daily, and found one that had been returned on clearance. GENIUS. Enjoy your sheeps!!
Dallas recently posted..Doing the damn Fashion thing….
I’ve changed my mindset in this way too, and it sounds like a lot of other people have as well! I wonder if it’s just the wisdom of getting older and more comfortable with yourself, while at same time realizing that your health won’t be around forever? Whatever it is, I love how my mentality has changed and I’m excited other people are experiencing this too because I feel like it’s SUCH a good place to be mentally (and physically too)!
Yes, as you get older you start to realize that your mobility and health is a gift, not a given. I also got really sick of looking at pictures from my early/late 20s, thinking “Damn…I actually looked pretty good!” and remembering the daily battles I had with my body image. I do NOT want to be looking back when I’m in my 40s and thinking the same thing. I want to embrace all of it, right now, and give a big “DON’T CARE!” to any media outlet/magazine who somehow thinks I should be unsatisfied.
I carried four heavy bags up my three flights of stairs last night and cyber-high-fived all of you when I muscled my way to the top. :)
I really like this piece, especially the line: “Life, fashion, feeling great… these aren’t things that are only there once you lose that last 100 or 5 pounds.” I’m glad you embrace the styles that make you happy–that’s why fashion is fun! I used to avoid skinny jeans because I wasn’t a size zero, and I consequently thought “they made my hips look big.” Then I finally said f*ck it and now I wear them all the time (though I still wish they weren’t called “skinny” jeans…)
I think the same “waiting” logic occurs with phrases such as “when I have more money” or “when I have more time” in light of achieving goals in all areas–but the “when I get skinny” line is the one that bothers me most, for some reason. Maybe because it has become such a normalized yet weird humblebrag of sorts for women? I feel the same way when I see friends Pinning skinny women with washboard abs and big boobs, and writing captions that say things like “Someday…”
Kristen–totally know what you mean about changing perspective on WHY I work out. It’s no longer to be skinny. Now, my mind is like “Damn, if someone was chasing me, could I run away?” and “I feeeeeeeeel like I should be able to do 10 push-ups. Not girl style.”
Great post, Dallas!
When I am out running and want to get slower, I seriously ask myself “If I was running from someone right now, would I be slowing down?” and if th at doesn’t work, I ask myself if I could escape the zombies.
deva by definition recently posted..What’s in a name?
Love this post! Also love your polka dotty top! Can I ask where is it from?
Kohl’s! A lot of their stuff is crazy but some of it is really great. It came with a stupid ribbon belt which I promptly turned into a necklace using a broken bracelet, and added a belt of my own.
Dallas recently posted..Doing the damn Fashion thing….
Love. All of this.
I’ve always been tall. I know, I know, whomp whomp. But I’ve always wanted to be petite beacuse a tall girl can’t “get away” with bright colors because that’s SO MUCH color. Or wearing sweatpants that look cute and athletic on a petite frame but just sloppy over several more feet of height. Slowly, and especially more with age, I’ve begun to accept that my body is not going to change so I might as well change…bring on the bright pants (2012 ushered in bright red, raspberry pink, mint green, and polka dot pants), bring on the leggings and sweats, bring on the statement jewelry! And you know what? I’ve become a little bit of a fashion icon in my workplace. Turns out that, no, I can’t “get away with it” people do notice how I dress. And gosh darnit, they like it!
PS Stacy London went to my undergraduate school! (not when I was there, alas) As a result, I feel like I have some sort of style legacy.
PPS I will also say that moving to LA also helped me embrace all sorts of style risks. I may lose my native New Yorker cred, but it’s so much more fun to be surrounded and encouraged by folks wearing COLOR than everyone wearing black.
Yea I was WAAAY more stylistically adventurous than I ever thought possible when I lived in California for a year. It wasn’t a style I wanted to continue (NorCal grunge/skinny jeans/giant sweaters) once I moved away but it was just so freeing to try something that my college-age self always wanted to but never had the guts to do. Since I’m trying to craft something a bit more put together. No need for big sweaters in Texas!
Oh Stacy London is my absolute favorite. I really owe a lot to that show in terms of understanding what looks best on me.
And yes! I think so many people try to hide, but the reality is that standing out is so fun. Especially with fashion blogs, you can see lots of different people of different body types (thin, fat, tall, short, black, white) doing lots of different things. It’s why I think blogging about fashion, which seems frivolous, is so critical, especially if you’re not often represented in the “fashion” space.
Polka dot pants – to die for.
Dallas recently posted..Doing the damn Fashion thing….
I’m not sure what I love more, this post or your sheep sweater!
Stina recently posted..Training Plan: Muddy Monk Double Down 20K
Yes. Yes. Yes.
You cannot attribute happiness to a certain dress size. It just doesn’t happen. I’m a size six right now, but about a year and a half ago, I quickly dropped about 20 pounds and was wearing loose-fitting size two skirts. And, you know what? I still wasn’t happy. I still looked in the mirror and saw things I wanted to change. (Plus, I was really hungry all the time.) So, I definitely think happiness comes from much more than your dress size. Really, I think it comes from more than looks anyway… but, let’s be honest, I feel pretty damn awesome when I’m rocking my favorite dress.
(Also, I now want a sheep sweater.)
Amanda recently posted..Tech Tuesday: Facebook likes vs. web page views
YES! And being hungry is not fun or happy-making.
And I highly recommend sheep sweaters.
Dallas recently posted..Doing the damn Fashion thing….
Yes. This. Weight loss goals are a good thing, but they don’t mean that you are’t living or present until they are completed. I love your phrase, and I think that it works for any woman, at any age/size/phase in her life. Great post!
Rachel recently posted..I May Be A Geek, But I Am Definitely Not A Loner
Yeah, I definitely think it’s about more than weight — height, attitude, money, whatever. Just do what you wanna do. Thanks for reading!
Dallas recently posted..Doing the damn Fashion thing….
Love this post. My favorite line:
“We all know Them — fashion magazines, bitchy girls from middle school, your grandma Estelle. Them. Screw ‘em. You’re awesome. You can wear whatever you want to.”
Because it’s sooooo true! And it can be applied to so many things in life, not just clothes! Why do we have to listen to “them” if “their” opinion doesn’t match ours? Why can’t we do what we want if that’s what makes us feel fabulous. Screw them. Be you, that’s what matters.
Meghann recently posted..Playing the ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ Card
Love it. Just because someone isn’t as skinny doesn’t mean they should look like crap. I can relate to now wearing certain clothes—not for weight as much for saving it for a special occasion. I feel obligated, for some odd reason, to wear average clothes because I work from home, don’t need to dress up when I have to work outside my house, and feel like I’m overdoing it. I’ll try harder to ignore those insecurities about not wearing all my cute dresses, tops and heels on an average day.
Lane, that’s a great point.
My grandmother once told me that she probably wouldn’t be passing her fine china down to me because she’d lost or broken so many pieces over the years. I was about 10 at the time, so I was like, “okay, whatever.” And she looked at me and said, “They’re lost or broken because I used them all the time. If you have something you love, use it. Otherwise, you’re wasting it.”
Let your cute-flag fly, on an average day or not!
Dallas recently posted..Doing the damn Fashion thing….
“I may never be thin. But I am awesome.”
THANK. YOU.
Right!? I love this whole post, but that was the money line, right there.
‘Do the damn thing’ – i love it! loved this post. thanks for sharing your sassy and awesome attitude with us. :)
lynne @ lgsmash recently posted..Colorado: Why Are Coloradoans So Damn Fit?
I love, love, love this! We need more women out there advocating for the love of oneself NO MATTER WHAT. I think that if more of us loved our bodies and appreciated them for what they’ve brought us through and for the memories they’ve enabled us to enjoy, we’d treat them a lot better and would therefore probably make healthier choices.
Five years ago I was 20 pounds lighter, a smoker, rarely exercised, and was kind of depressed. Now, I’m 20 pounds heavier, have 2 half marathons behind me, a husband who loves me (and my bod), a newfound appreciation for cheese and beer, and am a whole heck of lot happier. Even my doctor told me that there are some things that are more important then losing a few pounds, like being happy, and strong, and fit, and cheese. Well, she didn’t say cheese. But still…
So THANK YOU! I can’t wait to explore your blog!
“I think that if more of us loved our bodies and appreciated them for what they’ve brought us through and for the memories they’ve enabled us to enjoy, we’d treat them a lot better and would therefore probably make healthier choices.” Word.
I loved this post. I was the same way. I was a hot little thing when I met my husband. Then infertility drugs took their toll (and not exercising enough for fear it would negatively affect my fertility) and I went up to a size 22. I hated how I looked and pretty much just wore my husband’s clothes because I didn’t want to buy anything until I lst weight. Now I’m exercising again to feel healthy and am buying clothes for the size I am now (a 20). I feel better about myself when I wear clothes I love.
Do I still want to lose weight? Yes, but not to look good. I love my body and my husband still thinks I’m a hot (not so) little thing. Now I know that if I lose weight, I’m taking care of myself and hopefully preventing diabetes and heart disease. And knowing that I’m going to have a long happy life is much better than being a size 8.
Thanks again for the post. BTW, I love both outfits.
Cindy recently posted..Free Fonts I Currently Love
Ahhhh love this!
LOVE THIS! Thanks for writing something that speaks to everyone!
“Not because I think my life will only be valid once I’m thin. I may never be thin. But I am awesome.”
I LOVE that. Love it.
emily hassman recently posted..Wash
YES! I love this author!
A few months ago, I decided I wanted to wear skinny jeans because to be honest, I wanted to wear the super cute taller boots that go with them. I’m overweight and I decided I no longer cared if anyone else thought I should wear them. Guess what? I feel pretty darn good in them and they’re surprisingly comfortable.
I decided in the past year that I’m going to wear what I want to wear, whether others like it or not. I’ve never had a problem with confidence, but I’ve always believed Them, when they said certain bodies should not wear certain items. To hell with Them!
Thanks so much for this awesome post!
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