One of the near-constant conversations I see taking place among people around me is a discussion on change, particularly as it relates to changes in our friends’ lifestyles, priorities, and choices. And I find it all fascinating because I’ve noticed that our culture has very conflicting attitudes toward change.
People can’t change.
First, we don’t all agree on whether or not change is even possible. I hear it again and again: “People can’t change.” This is typically said in reference to some shitty person who someone we care about loves. The commonly-accepted wisdom is that if someone is treating someone else like crap in a relationship, the crappy person won’t change, and we are free to tsk tsk our friend (behind his or her back, of course) with faux sympathy and concern. Because how could this person be dumb enough to think people actually change?
Everyone loves a comeback.
At the same time, we love a good makeover, comeback story, or romantic comedy. (Rom coms are the worst offenders when it comes to glorifying change. I’m not sure that “Extreme Heart Makeover: Long-Suffering Best Friend Edition” is really all that romantic, but whatever.) I don’t know if we even want the person to succeed or not as we watch these stories play out. On the one hand, when they fail, it just reinforces the belief that people can’t change, and watching people fail often gives others a sense of superiority and satisfaction. On the other hand, it seems like we watch these shows for reasons related to our own desires to succeed. I mean, if this kid on “The Biggest Loser” who wants it so badly can’t change himself after enough hard work, well, then what does that tell me about my own goals and dreams?
Change is bad.
“They’ve changed, man.” You can just hear the smug hipster saying that about anything from a band to a restaurant to (so often) a former friend. And being told we’ve changed has a way of getting under our skin because our culture frames change as a bad thing we don’t like the reasons behind the change. No one wants to be called a sellout. So we celebrate metamorphosis, but for everyone who appreciates the butterfly, there are a bunch of caterpillars (in their tiny hipster glasses) sitting around talking about how they liked her better when she was a caterpillar. Because she became a butterfly for “The Man.” And that’s what a lot of it goes back to — The Man.
All change is a direct result of our personal relationships, and only a result of our personal relationships.
I’m beginning to see the lines being drawn. The Marrieds vs. The Singles. The Parents vs. The Childfree. The Working Moms vs. The Stay-at-Home Moms. When the change puts you on one of these teams, it’s not usually well-received by those on other teams (or even those who just identify with the other teams). Suddenly, this new relationship is blamed for every small change in lifestyle or priority. “My friend got a boyfriend and now she’s not fun.” “My friend used to love her job, but then she had kids and now all she cares about is her baby.” “My friends don’t have kids so they don’t understand.” “My friend got married and now she only has time for her husband.” “My friend used to be so fun but now his wife calls the shots.” We’ve all heard statements like these. But…why is the relationship (either romantic or parent-child) or the absence of said relationship our go-to scapegoat for all change? Is it really that simple?
It seems to me that both men and women struggle to define themselves, and what it means to be an adult in the modern world, a few years after college. Serious romantic relationships and babies tend to start happening around this time, sure, but so do new jobs, cross-country moves, health scares, newfound confidence in your sexuality, financial reality checks, exposure to more diverse ideas and opinions, evolving relationships with parents, and so many other things. Any one of those things could cause us to change our priorities in life. So when I see people automatically blaming relationships or children for their friends’ life changes, I find myself getting really frustrated. The whole thing tends to be framed as either women changing who they are for men (or, by extension, a man’s children), or women forcing men to change to be with them…two ideas which are really pretty obnoxious. The whole “she met a guy and she’s not fun anymore” trope is just so tired, as is the “my single friend is selfish and immature because she doesn’t have a boyfriend or kids” thing. The idea that whether or not a woman is on the receiving end of male attention and/or a mother has a huge effect on her personality is incredibly insulting and dismissive. So is the idea that all men are wannabe bachelors with no desire for a stable relationship unless a woman changes them (through pressure and nagging, of course).
Some people absolutely change because of relationships (and I’m not totally convinced that’s the worst thing in the world), but it seems more likely that we change due to some combination of a lot of factors and experiences. I’ve started to think that maybe new relationships are not what change us; maybe we get into these new relationships because we’ve changed. Perhaps the new spouse or the babies are not the cause, but the result, the last — but most visible — way we demonstrate a change that has been happening privately for quite some time.
Changes in your friends’ lifestyles, priorities, interests, and relationships are really hard to ignore when you’re in your twenties. And even if you aren’t being criticized for your own choices (which is really unlikely in this day and age), watching someone else change in a way that you aren’t changing (or have no desire to) can feel like a personal attack. And so it’s understandable that we have a lot of conflicting feelings on change. But since change is something we’re going to be kind of stuck with for a while (common wisdom says we can look forward to at least a decade of this shit), it seems like examining how we feel and react when our peers are changing (or not changing) in a different way than we are is a probably a worthwhile exercise. It’s something that’s been on my mind for a while and I’d love to hear your thoughts on it as well!
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Funny, Id been thinking and writing about this a lot, too. François de la Rochefoucauld said, “the only thing constant in life is change.” I would have to agree. And since I also believe that expectation is the root of all heartache (apparently not by Shakespeare), I think the biggest problem comes when we try to fight it. Denying it seems out of touch with reality, and avoiding it is only going to make life harder. In terms of people changing, I think is is possible. People will change, regardless, but if they want to make a change for the better, they need to be motivated, and ultimately they need to want it themselves to obtain and maintain that change. I was once a believer that people don’t change in terms of relationships, but they can change individually, which change the nature of the relationship. I’m living proof of this, and had to take some time to better myself in my current relationship, but things are very different now in the best way possible. The funny thing about change is, there’s no one way to define it, but being open to it’s likely possibility will put you in a better place when things take a turn for the better or worse. It’s all about perspective.
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“people don’t change in terms of relationships, but they can change individually, which changes the nature of the relationship” — this is a really great observation and a really good answer to the question of whether people can change or not!
Both of your observations are very insightful and hit home with me. I struggle regularly with changes, but I am working to embrace it presence in my life. I feel like yoga is really helping me do this, I am connecting more my Self that is true. Finding that allows me to accepted other changes as they come.
I agree with the statement “expectation is the root of all heartache”, we can not control and direct every change and outcome, trying to will only result in heartache. we can trade our expectations for intention and open ourselves us to many more experiences.
Thanks for the great post, you are always so thoughtful and opens my eyes to new thoughts.
As far as other people exhibiting bad behavior in relationships, the “he/she won’t change” argument is valid because like you said, people may change on their own, but they have to be personally compelled to change and within a relationship that can be good or bad. We don’t change in a vacuum. Part of what makes marriages (or long term relationships) work is the ability to change and grow positively together.
sera recently posted..phonography 101
Thank you for posting this today. I don’t really have much else to say about it at the moment because, well, I’ve been kind of a shithead to one of my friends about this exact thing. Thanks for the wake-up call.
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Such a great post. So relevant and thought provoking!
We’re all heard or been guilty of whining about how a relationship changed a friend and I agree that there are so many different perspectives for looking at these changes. But to a certain extent, isn’t the point of living our lives to change and evolve? To make mistakes and learn from them?
I for one have gone through countless evolutions in my own life and one of the major ones was the result of an unworthy male. Yes, he changed me, yes, it was negative. But I wouldn’t take it back for the world because what I learned from that experience, and surviving it, has made me who I am today.
So my personal experience has taught me to withold judgement. Maybe the person you’re complaining about is just in-transition, maybe they haven’t come out the other side yet.
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“So my personal experience has taught me to withold judgement. Maybe the person you’re complaining about is just in-transition, maybe they haven’t come out the other side yet.” I LOVE this. Like, maybe it’s possible to acknowledge the relationship as the cause of the change (because, like I said, that’s sometimes the case) while also not being so angry/judgy about it? That’s definitely what I strive for now, and I also wonder if you have to be on the receiving end of some of that judgment/making poor life choices of your own to get to that place.
this is one of those posts that I felt like i had to answer. I do think that everyone changes and evolves over time. Whether it’s for better or worse. I would like to think that I’ve evolved for better especially in the course of my relationship with my husband. and that being with him has pushed me to try things that I wouldn’t otherwise try (skiing for example, needless to say I won’t be trying that again).
But I do feel like there have been people in my life that have chosen to dissolve our friendships because I was changing in my relationship whether they liked it or not. apparently they didn’t like it. which makes it incredibly frustrating because I really do think it’s made me a better person.
now on the other side, when I see my friends changing or their lives changing because of a relationship or more importantly having babies. It’s definitely hard on me because I do understand, kids do become their whole world. It’s gotten increasingly frustrating for me because I’ve been through 6 pregnancies at my job (4 of those were by 2 of the same girls), and it’s so crazy to see their personalities change. but i’ve grown to accept it, it does however mean, my relationship with them isn’t the same. I can’t relate to them because I don’t have kids, but I can only relate to them because I have nieces and a nephew. This is where I do make an effort (even though I’m so NOT a baby person, and have zero interest!), but they don’t seem to show any interest in relating to me. Makes me CRAZY. So I’ve resigned to becoming the girl at work that basically comes to work early and usually works late because I don’t have kids.
now on the family side, my older sister has definitely changed due to her being divorced and having a boyfriend who I liked at first, but basically lost all respect for after one experience. Though she seems happy, being in that relationship because it’s basically now her, her boyfriend who has 3 kids, and she has 2 of her own. But I currently do NOT have a relationship with my sister because I don’t agree with the way she’s gone about her life. and it’s essentially split my family in half. because I have a GREAT relationship with my younger sister and her husband and the 2 kids! as well as my parents, it’s like she’s taken over the role of being the black sheep because that used to be my role in the family. But one of the huge ways i’ve changed is because of the job I’m in, i learned that i can still be different, but in a much better way. and it’s worked greatly in my favor. even though my family are completely puzzled by the fact that i wear 3-4 inch heels to work. they don’t get it.
all in all, I try to be completely understanding and accepting of letting people evolve and change. and grow with them so our relationships can grow as well!
“…but they don’t seem to show any interest in relating to me.” This is so my state of affairs. I have given up because the three ladies I used to have most of my conversations with at work, now all they talk about is babies. I know they used to have personalities and other interests, but they aren’t interested in anything else or in trying to talk to me. Sadly, I’ve realized this is largely about who they always were as well. It’s hard to gain the realization that they were never interested in me in the first place. I know this because this is not the case with all of my friends with babies, some of them have retained themselves in the transition.
sera recently posted..phonography 101
“Sadly, I’ve realized this is largely about who they always were as well.” Gah, that is so painful, but I also feel like considering whether people were always kind of shitty before their relationships changed is so important to dealing with others’ changes. Realizing that hurts, but maybe it also makes it feel like less of a betrayal?
I always think the best of people and they often disappoint me. I had already started realizing that I didn’t offer anything to them, but now it’s about alienating me because I’m not so excited to talk about what noises their babies make. Really it was always me being flexible, nodding along, while they about kim kardashian. This is why I’ve reverted back to the blogs. Thank you for your intelligent conversation, Rachel.
sera recently posted..phonography 101
i guess i don’t have anything to offer these people except for the willingness to bust my ass at work so they can go home and be with their babies. it’s definitely alienated me! sadness. but there are some people that have kept who they are throughout. those are the ones that are super important to me. and loyalty is one of my strongest traits. I’ll be fiercely loyal to someone as long as we have an equal relationship.
Funny how it all comes down to how dedicated I am, and you are erin, to make their lives easier. I’m glad you have some positive people in your loop. Luckily one of my other co-workers has been supporting me to figure out ways not to be tread on. Their work is their work and I’m not going to do it. And in fact, I am going to be looking for another job where I can be respected for what I do contribute. Here, the more I do, the more they give me to do as with one foot out the door they announce “I’ve got to go pick up the kids; you’ve got this, right?!”
I’m working on the response, “Yeah, I’ve got to go to the gym, so, no.”
It’s time for me to find something a bit more rewarding anyway.
sera recently posted..phonography 101
So, I read recently that when Marissa Meyer was at Google, she had a woman employee who was starting to look like maybe she was going to quit (or something to that effect) and so MM talked to her and I guess the woman said that some regular meeting meant she could never go to her kid’s soccer games or something and that really stressed her out/upset her and, basically, she just didn’t have work-family balance and was over it. So Meyer said, OK, you can leave early from these meetings, no questions asked. But then she made that a policy, that all employees get some kind of flex-time or meeting opt-out so that women wouldn’t be afraid to USE that time, and so that people without kids could get the same benefit. Because who doesn’t need time to deal with their life once in a while?!
Anyway, that was a kind of pisspoor telling of the story, but my point is, work-life (not kids or family…just LIFE) balance is a huge issue for a LOT of people (not just women, or people with kids) and I think it’s going to become a big part of the conversation in the next few years. And I feel like policies like the one Meyer put in place, that basically honor the life situations of all types of people (honor their humanity as someone said above) are really great. I feel like we need to take that approach to people on the other “teams” more often, particularly when their life changes do affect us personally.
I hadn’t heard this about Meyer, but that is a fantastic example of creating a positive environment to work in. I feel that if one is in an environment where one feels respected and can take time off when it’s needed, it’s more likely that one will then work harder and be more productive. You’re absolutely right, everyone needs work/life balance. Sadly, I work in an office where the heads regularly make an example of working too many hours (making their work less productive than it should be) or cancelling vacations because they feel they should. To be fair, our CEO does take vacations and tries to make everyone do so, but the management of our office does not take that to heart, nor do they pass it on to us little guys.
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Related: I think the idea that when you want to get ahead, you should be the first one in, last one to leave and similar sentiments are really, really crappy. I’m all for paying your dues, but seriously, if the CEO is making a shit-ton of money or has a ton of power/responsibility and her employees are not/do not, then, um, she should work more hours! I mean, I love that my bosses have good work-life balance because it makes me feel more comfortable expecting the same, and I definitely think that CEOs should take vacation time, but I also feel like if the CEO responds to emails on the weekends, it’s maybe because that’s in her job description! And it’s not in the job description of the person making crap wages! I think sometimes the fact that a CEO works super hard is used as an excuse to take advantage of workers, which is really quite backwards.
This has been timely as a post. I think there’s a lot about change that we cannot always understand. It’s easy to see someone in a relationship or new career or new lifestage and think “they have changed.” Because, in a way, they have – single into a relationship. One job into another. In a relationship to married, etc.
I think it’s one thing to think “they have changed” and another thing entirely to blame the change on something. Yes, relationships can change a person, but we are all constantly changing. My big thing, when it comes to change, is if you have changed for the better for you, it’s not necessarily a change that would work for me. (this is the royal you). Accepting that we are not all going to change in the same way, I think, is a big part of growing up.
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It’s interesting because it seems like that “if you have changed for the better for you” thing is really subjective. Like, a lot of people make the assumption that even if the friend feels she has changed for the better, she hasn’t really, or couldn’t possibly be happier. So I think there’s this need to prove that you’re really happy about the change, because no one will just take you at your word. And I wonder if that’s where the talk (or social media updates) that are so often perceived as bragging come into play.
I think you’re onto something here. I think in trying to prove you have changed and are happy it’s easy to fall into the “showchasing” you describe – talking it up, social media updates. All the perceived bragging, etc. I think there’s a really fine line between sharing because you’re excited and sharing to brag about it, but I also think that line is different for each of us and it’s only how it is perceived that makes it so.
Bragging makes me think of the nyah-nyah arguments I’d get into in preschool.
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I’m a bit on the other side of “after college” and I think change keeps happening. That makes me hopeful. Not only because my career depends on the belief that people can and do change (for the better!) but also because for my 20s I was still way way way into a cacoon of change. As cliche as it sounds, I’m liking my 30s a lot more. Of course the foundation for these changes was laid in my 20s, so I can’t dismiss it all-together.
This? “Some people absolutely change because of relationships (and I’m not totally convinced that’s the worst thing in the world)” – I definitely think that our relationships change us. The best relationship we can be in is with someone (romantic or otherwise) who says “I love who you are now and would love you if you never changed a damn thing, but I also see incredible possibility and want to you to be able to be the best version of you possible.” I definitely think 6 years with someone who was both an awesome cheerleader but also the provider of tough love, really helped me make a lot of positive changes.
I think the grouping of “us vs them” is a natural thing we do as humans. I guess I struggle most with the HUGE number of babies born in the past two years to people in my HS and college cohort. At first I was baffled and then realized we all turned 30. I don’t know most of these folks very well so I can’t speak to personal decision-making, but I wonder how many folks felt they had a true choice about having children? Not that they’re unhappy or regret their decision but how many felt that remaining childless (or postponing having children, considering adoption as an alternative and not a last resort) was a real and valid choice they could make?
And for those close friends who are making the decision to have children (not many super close friends have…yet), I struggle with that because I’m so happy with how things are and I do worry that with this change, there will be other changes, and those will affect me. Selfish? Yes. But also really how I feel. My far-flung FB “friends” having babies really doesn’t affect me. My “hey let’s make dinnner and drink beer in two hours” friends having babies really does affect my daily life.
i really agree. change isn’t the worst hting in the world. But i love this “I love who you are now and would love you if you never changed a damn thing, but I also see incredible possibility and want to you to be able to be the best version of you possible.”
i truly believe my husband and I have that mentality going. I’d be ok if he stayed exactly the same, but i do truly want him to be the best version of him possible, and him same as me.
and it’s ok to be selfish, heck they’re being selfish themselves.
SUCH a relevant topic for me! After going through a year of nothing but change, it’s been interesting to analyze it and gauge where I am at as a result. What I realized is that I am the change that happened in the past year – not the external circumstances which happened to me in the past year.
Literally all of my friends are married and/or with kids, which for me, has never been a problem. My mother taught me young “to each his own.” However, I have felt the backlash + jealousy for not taking that route, which was something so unexpected for me. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t, I guess.
However, I just read an article profiling Brother Ali – a legally blind, albino rapper from MN – who is huge in social justice and politics. My favorite quote from the article is this:
“I think that we’ve all purchased these identities instead of being human first. It’s like, you devalue the stock on humanity, in your own heart and mind, to raise the stock on Christianity, or whiteness, or straightness. But once we become more in touch with humanity, we start caring about people the same way we care about our kids.”
I think that “married” “in a relationship” “with kids” “without kids” are all of these identities we’ve created that are somehow supposed to sum up our lives and define how we live. What if we put those labels to the side and decided to purchase the identity of HUMANITY? Humanity, as defined, is “the quality or state of being human” and honored EVERYONE’s humanity, realizing that and truly understanding that what one person chooses may not be what we choose…AND THAT IS COMPLETELY OKAY.
Alright, rant over.
Love you and your writing, as always.
Holly recently posted..PRACTICE MAKES PROGRESS
1. The alternate title for this blog was “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” (dot com). Because I find myself going back to that so often. It’s just so true.
2. That quote is fantastic.
3. This? “I think that ‘married’ ‘in a relationship’ ‘with kids’ ‘without kids’ are all of these identities we’ve created that are somehow supposed to sum up our lives and define how we live.” Yes. First of all, ugh — that defines as by our relationships. Second of all, I wonder what purpose those labels might serve that we find them so necessary? Like…what has happened that we feel like we need a label other than human? Is it a competition thing? A way of organizing ourselves? Because I feel like there must be some reason that we all want a label to define us, you know?
I keep coming back to this, but when I took Queer Theory in college and we got into Foucault, we talked a lot about the human need to label everything, and how things only have names because we give them names. The labeling thing, IMO (and IIRC), has as much to do with finding your “place” in the world as it does with giving others a means to classify you.
This isn’t to say you always fit into the box that you are labeled within. Many times, we are labeled by other people, which gets us into the “other” or “us v. them.” It can be a defense mechanism or a way to differentiate yourself from a group you either:
1. Don’t feel you are a part of but feel you are included within anyway (IE: religious v. not), or feel the need to be differentiated from by a different but not always opposite label or:
2: A group you want to distinguish as “other” from you – a group that you may feel threatened by or a group that is threatening. I think this is where we get a lot of intolerance issues, but it’s, to me, a way to distinguish yourself from a group that, well, most people can’t/won’t ID with anyway (the glaring example here is Westboro).
I don’t think it’s always a competition thing, but, like the question “what do you do?” it’s a distiguisher – “she is married..” etc.
I really hope that all made sense.
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My best friend and I were having a conversation the other day about how we’ve changed since college. She was trying to reassure my notion that the big milestones in life (new jobs, apartments, engagements, boyfriends, kids, etc) aren’t the exclusive catalyst to change. For example, I think I’ve changed to be a better friend, more confident in myself and birthed a competitive, health-oriented side but I haven’t had any new “big changes” or titles to reflect those changes. I guess you could argue that growing/ maturing and changing are two entirely different things but I think they are related.
I’ve noticed watching friends and acquaintances go through near-constant changes during this stage of life can feel like a constant comparison trap. Someone getting engaged can unintentionally trigger a feeling of “What am I doing with my life” or “Is it ok if I don’t know yet if I want to marry so-and-so” which I’ve both heard from others and felt myself. And if you’re comparing, you usually want to win; and I think that’s where judgement comes from. So how do we keep other people’s changes separate from our own? Can we?
To blame someone’s changing on their new relationship – or to purely evaluate someone’s changes as negative – takes away all acknowledgment of one’s own changes. Life circumstances have impacted some of my friendships: I’ve grown closer to recently single acquaintances who found themselves with more free time and grown further apart from friends who are more tied down. But I’m smart enough to see how *I* fit into these changes. Sure, one of my friends with a serious boyfriends and I could have less to talk about because of our differing romantic situations but we also have less to talk about because I think she’s flaky and I’m more of a weirdo and we’re no longer college, party friends. If the friendship was that important to me, I think the relationship or personality changes wouldn’t matter. But it’s just not and that means the divergence is just as much my fault. Conversely, some of my best friends’ lives and responsibilities look completely different now but because we care enough about each other, we embrace the new versions of ourselves and our paths are still close.
So much to love about this comment! First, that you haven’t had any of the “big changes” I feel kind of goes back to the idea that those come after the growing you’re describing.
And THIS: “And if you’re comparing, you usually want to win; and I think that’s where judgment comes from.” Yup.
Also, I love that last paragraph. And the “we’re no longer college, party friends.” Because sometimes it really is that simple, but it’s also amazing how we can so easily twist that into something relating to relationships/lack thereof (“She settled down” or “She still wants to sleep around like college”). I think it’s really good to have that reality check with yourself when mourning a friendship’s evolution. This is kind of off-topic, but I also wonder if the idea of Best Friends 4-EVA when it comes to same-sex friends plays into all this? As in, maybe friendships have a shelf-life and if we acknowledged that sooner (and found the words/way to break up with friends), some of this would be less painful? But when there is the idea that women friends are friends for life, the feelings of betrayal are real when that doesn’t work out. But maybe the idea of all of our college-and-beyond friends being lifelong friends needs to be re-evaluated?
Yep, I see how those can connect. Some people fit into our lives for just where we need them to and it would be nice if it was just that simple. I’m probably not the right person to address this because I’m *that girl* who likes to keep in touch with her exes, too (haha) but I understand each interpersonal relationship really subsists best on a unique timeline.
“As in, maybe friendships have a shelf-life and if we acknowledged that sooner (and found the words/way to break up with friends), some of this would be less painful? But when there is the idea that women friends are friends for life, the feelings of betrayal are real when that doesn’t work out.”
I am currently going through this right now. I realized that I am friends with said friend because of our history. If we were to meet now, we would never be friends because we have so little in common anymore. This is so sad but also liberating. Sad because you know the friendship you thought would last forever, may not. Liberating in that you can stop blaming yourself or your friend for all of the things that are no longer “perfect” in your friendship or for all the things that are no longer relevant but made you friends once upon a time. I think if I can accept that people change in that they find new interests, passions, directions, then I can allow myself to change also.
“I’ve noticed watching friends and acquaintances go through near-constant changes during this stage of life can feel like a constant comparison trap” YES YES YES, I have struggled so much with this as I watch my friends get promotions, married and have kids. In the past I have allowed it to send me into a tail spin of self criticism and doubt. I am only now learning to appreciate my own journey and path. A change that may be less outwardly noticeable but no less valuable.
“A change that may be less outwardly noticeable but no less valuable.” Word.
Agreed with Rachel. Very eloquently you just described exactly the lesson I’m trying to learn too.
Love this post–lots of really insightful commentary! A couple of thoughts:
1 – In my early 20s, I was dating a new guy, working full-time, in grad school full-time, living in a big city. I got the “you’ve changed… (dun dun dunnn)” comment ALL the time from family back home (in a smaller town) and it was very upsetting. I remember feeling so confused because I WAS changing–I was trying to figure out what I liked and didn’t like in lot of different areas! aren’t we constantly told to explore, branch out, discover ourselves at this age?!–and it was super stressful to receive additional pressure to be only one version of myself. In the end, I made both good and bad choices during that period, learned from them, and continued to grow up. Did I change throughout that process? Absolutely. Am I still going to change? Yeah.
2 – Lately, I try to value people’s priorities rather than their specific choices. I had a friend in college who totally slept around, was all about the party night life, and upon graduating met a guy, moved in with him, got engaged/married, got pregnant, had a baby, bought a dog, bought a house in the ‘burbs, etc. There was a lot of skepticism as well as “she’s changed” and “she never hangs out because she got married and had a baby.” And I’m like… yeah. That is true. But that’s what she wants, and she’s happy, and it literally doesn’t affect my life so.. the end.
3 – The life-long friends, from college or not, are the ones that let you change, and vice versa. That doesn’t mean you won’t have a fight about behavior, or choices, or attitudes (“you never call anymore now that you have kids!” or “you don’t understand how hard it is for me to grab a drink now that I have kids!” etc.)–but you work it out, because you understand that life is all about change, and it is hard, and part of friendship involves embracing each other’s journey.
Love your #3. It’s really true, some of my best friendships at this point are the ones where we respect that our lives are busy. When were are together though we are truly present and invested in hearing where the other person is at in their life and sharing the time we have. We don’t get caught up in the drama of “you NEVER CALL ME”
Exactly! These are the friends I want in my life. We mutually respect each others changes and catch up on what is changing, what progress we have made, what challenges we face. As I have had to let go of many friendships, the new friendships I make and value are those that are interested in moving forward in life. That includes in our careers (or lack thereof), in relationships, in marriage, with or without kids. I may not be super daring, but I have a lot of respect for those who make changes in their lives, assess what they want and go for it. My only desire is that as I start to make similar changes, that I can be respected and enjoyed for doing so as well.
This business of holding onto what our friends exactly were is limiting and hurtful to both them and ourselves. It’s childish behavior and we need to recognize it as such. I totally can’t be friends with you now that you don’t like the same bands as I like.
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“We mutually respect each others changes and catch up on what is changing, what progress we have made, what challenges we face.” Love this, feel like a true definition of friendship as I see it in my life
Absolutely. All that drama is such a waste of time and energy, plus it doesn’t make anyone feel good–the person saying it or the person hearing it!
I love your comments! Everything about #1, particularly how stressful that pressure is, is spot-on, is great.
Also, this? “Lately, I try to value people’s priorities rather than their specific choices.” Kind of brilliant. Because maybe we should consider that someone who suddenly prioritizes her husband is not changing for him…if you two were so close, she clearly values relationships. But right now, this other relationship is a priority. And while that’s a harsh realization sometimes, and can really hurt, it makes it less about “you’ve changed” and more “I’m not your priority anymore and I have to accept that.” Because I think that’s what a lot of the judgment about change comes down to…that feeling of, “But what about me?”
The “what about me?” feeling that causes judgment — definitely agree. Accepting that you have shifted in someone’s priority list does hurt, and for me, brings out my petty side. That’s when I find myself thinking, “Well I call her. I ask her to do things. I’m a good friend. She’s not being a good friend.” And the reality is that it is not that simple and there are plenty of ways and times I fail at being a “good friend.” I certainly forget to call friends back due to being supposedly busy, and really it is just because that phone call wasn’t on my priority list for the week or month. So when I do finally make the call (or the friend date, or whatever it is), I appreciate when the friend doesn’t give me a hard time. Noticing my own failings, and when friends are kind to my choices/priorities, allows me to be a little more generous in spirit, I guess!
Thanks for the feedback!
#3. Yes! I believe it must be possible for friendships, just as romantic relationships, to grow together if you love each other through the changes.
I believe our core being is constant, but I don’t think this is the same thing as saying “people can’t change.” I know I am the same person I was 10 years ago even when I was a self-important, confused 23 year-old trying to figure out want I needed in life. My ideas about happiness were changing, so externally, I suppose I went through changes while I felt my way through a new sense of self. But that “self” has and always will be “me.” I guess I believe that your soul is constant, even though the expression of your soul might look different year to year or day to day.
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I find this perspective very beautiful even though I wouldn’t have thought of it myself and frequently struggle with connecting the various “me’s.” 25-year-old me doesn’t feel the same as the 23-year-old me who fell in love or the 12-year-old me who watched her parents divorce or the 7-year-old me who lived in Germany. I understand the notion and think perhaps the way they stack up together may only be transparent to me years down the line.
Well…I’d say this is true in some respects. But if we’re saying that major life events change people, not just relationships…relationships can and often are major life events. Having a baby, for example, most definitely changes you at a fundamental level. It’s not just that you are obsessed with baby gear–there is all this anxiety and concern surrounding making the right choices, keeping your baby safe, etc. And as far as prattling on endlessly about the latest adorable thing they have done, well. You’ve made a human in your body. You then fed and nurtured and kept that human alive *outside* of your body, and most of your new life actually does revolve around the baby. Even if you want to do something for yourself, or for your friend, or with your friend, that activity…still revolves around the baby. A babysitter has to be found, which may or may not mean that you have to agonize over the right, safe person to watch your baby. And then the house has to be prepared for the baby sitter. And then every hour, while you’re out with your single, baby-less friend, you are racking up a bill and hoping the babysitter doesn’t have her secret pot-dealing boyfriend over. Nothing really compares to the pressure and involvement that having a human life totally dependent on you entails. I’m not saying that having a baby changes a PERSON, I’m saying that having a baby changes a person’s LIFE, and the person changes in response to that.
The same goes with boyfriends/husbands. I don’t think it works to ignore the fact that when people get into new relationships, they have less time for their friends, but…when people get into new relationships, they have less time for their friends. If there are X number of hours for socializing in a week, and you are used to getting X-4 of them from your second BFF twice removed, it can be hard to accept that the new guy or girl is going to also get a chunk of that now. Because let’s be honest: people like to spend alone time with their sweeties. And that alone time leaves less time for fun happy single times with the platonics. Not to mention that if you are in a group of single girls and you typically socialize by going ~~out~~ to maybe ~~meet guys~~, that activity is now going to be incredibly tedious for someone who has ~met a guy~.
So I guess I’d say that new relationships and babies change priorities and lives, and then people change the way they relate to the world in response to it. I just don’t think we can remove dating and procreation from the list of life-changing things like illnesses, graduation, career changes, sexuality, and cross-country moves.
Oh, I completely agree that relationships can be life-changing events! I don’t think we should remove them from the list by any means…more that we should add those other items to the list, because those things are often overlooked when people are lamenting the fact that a friend changed.
“And even if you aren’t being criticized for your own choices (which is really unlikely in this day and age), watching someone else change in a way that you aren’t changing (or have no desire to) can feel like a personal attack.”
Yes! This line totally resonated with me because I think the root of the negativity behind the “You’ve changed,” standard line is, “This makes me uncomfortable and I’m not sure how to process it, so I’m going to blame it on (insert relationship/child/job here).” I think change would have much better connotation if we were more comfortable addressing the feelings that come with it.
Also, I firmly believe that change, much like happiness, is something that you create and is not caused by anyone other than yourself. Saying that someone else caused change in another is ridiculous in my opinion. They may have created the motivation behind it, but the person themselves had to take action to make the change.
“They may have created the motivation behind it, but the person themselves had to take action to make the change.” — I like that a lot. Example: “He used to be so fun but his wife never lets him go out anymore.” Well, he married her…so he probably likes her, and spending time with her. I doubt she stands in front of the door each night preventing him from leaving their home, saying “NO FUN FOR YOU.” It is definitely ridiculous once you think about it!
This post and the comments that I had a chance to read are wonderful.
In my opinion, change is good. I feel that when people grow they change. And I think that more people need to realize that people aren’t always meant to be in your life forever. Some will. But the majority of them will be in your life when the time is right but more often than not you will eventually grow apart. Not because one of you changed but because both of you are growing, learning, and adapting and that doesn’t always happen in the same direction.
Now I feel like I am rambling so I will stop. But thanks again for the thought-provoking post!
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So, a bit late to the game here- but, really a lovely conversation happening here. Not that I dont feel that i have nothing to contribute but mostly, i am writing to ask how/if i can share this blog post? I feel like it is so something worth sharing with my mid-late twenty and thirty comrades on facebook, but want to be sure I am getting you credit etc neccesary. This is probably a dumb question but just wanted to check first…that its “ok”. :)
Thank you for the compliment of wanting to share it; I really appreciate that! And for asking! I would just ask that you share the link on Facebook (or anywhere you want) directing people to read the full post here. :)
I personally find that usually the critiques others make on your life is because the changes you make as an individual highlight their own issues or insecurity. It seems that women bond over being single it’s an attitude of ” we’re in this together” when someone leaves the single pack it can cause a twinge of abandonment and a panic as having numerous friends in the same position going through the same struggles and fears almost justifies their own self worth, but when a friend gets a significant other suddenly they aren’t bonding over the same issues. I try to still make time for my friends and make an effort to not to talk about my relationship. In still fun coupled or solo!